Motherhood Mixed

Got up this morning to the site of one very excited girl, in her new Justice top, asking to “please wear my hair down today” looking every bit as grown up as she’s feeling. First day of school is always mixed for me. I love, love, love all the new school supplies and new sneakers and excitement of possibilities. I always ache a little at seeing one more year begin and my kids all growing up and away before my eyes. Yet, I feel settled that it is good and every season of motherhood brings a new joy. I have not always felt this way however.

 I remember gripping my babies tightly, not wanting to see them grow up, yet wishing for the day when we would be a “diaper free” home. I remember how I loved singing them night-night songs and tucking them in, while simultaneously longing for the day I could hug them good night from the place I had plopped down on the couch while they put themselves to bed. There are countless tasks I loved and dreaded all at the same time. I look back and think it is funny that I spent so much time in two places in my mind: enjoying the present while wishing it away for an easier future.

Over the years I have been reminded over and over, how God calls us, urges us, commands us and reminds us to live in the present. Why is it so hard to be where we are? I’m not sure I can answer for any woman other than myself, but I am seeing more clearly that I live in the future to control and to escape. I live in the past to grieve and escape. But, contentment does not exist in any place but the present. To fully embrace life, I have to train my mind to be where I am, fully present for every sorrow and joy. It is here, in this moment where God meets me and gives me grace. Where He provides insight or wisdom or peace. Where I can experience His presence.

So today on August 7, 2012 I am living at 8:43 aware that my house is quiet. Aware that my sweet girl is still little enough to snuggle with her mama, but big enough to get herself dressed. Aware that all my children are good gifts from God, and I am undeservedly blessed to be their mom. 


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