Rest(less)

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I don’t feel out of sorts. Well, except for the headache I just took 800mg of Ibuprofen for. On an emotional level, I feel fine. But if you were to observe my behavior since dropping my husband at the airport 3 days ago, it is clear to see, I am in fact out of sorts. Today for example, I slept in till past 9. Which I never do. Then I got up and decided since the house was already clean, Emma and I should go eat some lunch. So we went to Panera, and she was delighted with her brocolli cheese soup in a bread bowl. I was less enthused about my 1/2 sandwich/salad combo. I should have gotten the macaroni and cheese. Anyway, then her sweet bff-cousin called and wanted her to come spend the night. So, I took her over. But then I couldn’t decide what to do with myself. I had thoughts of tackling a small household project, but didn’t feel like it. Then I thought I could go browse around Goodwill. It’s half off Saturday and sometimes they have good deals. So I did, and I carried a pair of really nice Ann Taylor work pants and a cute pair of cargo capri’s around, then I just put them on a rack and left. I came home and ate something, but wasn’t hungry. I finally plopped down and watched TV for a few hours. It’s too early to go to bed but too late to do anything productive. You know what I am? Restless.

I have decided that when I married my husband and God said the two would become one, there was something deeper than physical going on in that statement. I am not quite myself when we are separated by an ocean. I’m ok. I actually can get a lot done if I need to. But as soon as there is a lull, I feel the restlessness kick in. I’m not really able to relax and enjoy the space. I wish I could. When your husband works from home and you have three kids, there is often a noticeable lack of space. But if he was just out for the evening, I’d be kicked back enjoying it. It’s when he travels out of the country that I am not settled. So, it reminds me once again that God is always calling me to find my security in Him. It’s a constant theme in my life these days. I have all these swirling thoughts that can’t seem to settle down in my head, and then God reminds me to “Be still and know” that He is God. I used to focus on the still part a lot in that verse. I find it unbelievably difficult to be still, and since my name means “busy bee” I say it’s my parents fault. Just because they didn’t consider the ramifications of saddling me with a name that implies constant motion doesn’t mean I should feel guilty about it! However, the “know” part of the verse just hit me. If I’m just trying to be still it produces anxiety. But when I focus on what I KNOW, well now, that’s where my heart begins to shift. I know that God is good. That God loves me. That God has a plan. And all that is true. But I think even bigger is just knowing that He is God. All powerful, all knowing, ever faithful, always constant, sovereign, death conquering, sin defeating, life saving GOD! That kind of knowing does something to settle my spirit that nothing else can. When I focus on who He is, it reminds me who I am not. My old youth pastor used to say, “There are only two rules: There is a God. You are not Him.” It’s a relief to remember that God is God. I can rest and settle down, even with my other half, halfway around the world. 

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